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Graduation commencement speech parody
In Quicktime format (download player at http://www.apple.com/quicktime/).
Comment at http://www.livejournal.com/users/basilwhite/38072.html77 Megabytes (GIGANTIC HUMONGUOUS file size) - http://www.basilwhite.com/media/August2004_77M.mov 19 Megabytes (VERY LARGE file size) - http://www.basilwhite.com/media/August2004_19M.mov 15 Megabytes (LARGE file size) - http://www.basilwhite.com/media/August2004_15M.mov 9 Megabytes (as small as it gets) - http://www.basilwhite.com/media/August2004_9M.mov
In Quicktime format (download player at http://www.apple.com/quicktime/) at http://www.basilwhite.com/improv.mov. Nine minutes. WARNING: FIFTEEN AND A HALF MEG. No, it can't be compressed any more. I tried. :(
... or just copy this address into ITunes or whatever Podcast feed you use:
Or you can download individual tracks here: 1 - My Name's Basil | 2- Dumb or Smart | 3 - What Celebrity Do You Resemble | 4 - Allergy Season | 5 - Personal History | 6 - Voice Mail Message | 7 - Call Doctor Viagra | 8 - Cannibal | 9 - Dawn Of The Dead | 10 - Beauty Magazines | 11 - Nuggets Of Wisdom | 12 - Talking To Kids Is Hard | 13 - Video Games | 14 - House Calls | 15 - Something Creative | 16 - Tequila | 17 - Marriage Test | 18 - Why I Drink | 19 - I Like Fat Women | 20 - Don't Cook For Your Man | 21 - Hot For Me | 22 - Science Fiction Conventions | 23 - Just Another Theory | 24 - Police Car Chases | 25 - Philosophical Question | 26 - Skymall Catalog | 27 - Bring Your Own Soap | 28 - Sean Connery | 29 - A Gift of Wisdom
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Cute women. You're cute. You look like Joey Lauren Adams. Cute
celebrity. I just look like the fat guy who shot himself in the movie
FULL METAL JACKET. (pull hair up) "Hey, Joker." He's also in Men in
Black, the evil alien BUG. Kidnaps the woman to take to outer space,
"It's a long trip. "I'm gonna need a SNACK." Now he's the detective in
Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Solves crimes by STARING. Here's my
impression of him on Law & Order. (Stare). Thanks, that's IT. Still
workin' on THAT one. I should tell you a little about myself. I started
out as a SPERM. Good swimmer. Liked EGGS. Got big, things got TIGHT.
Nine months old, Mom pushed me outta my first HOME. Since then I've
been livin' on the OUTSIDE. Lookin' for similar ACCOMMODATIONS. I find
'em sometimes, but I make a mess, get kicked OUT. I miss the uterus.
Nice and warm, food pumped into my bloodstream, (finger bellybutton) I
still have the PORT. Now I gotta feed MYSELF? Where's the LOVE? I teach
survival skills. Here's a free one: if you're born in Tennessee, it's
really important to MOVE. I go visit, "It's Friday night. Let's go
out." "Sure! Let's go to WAL-MART. Get some ACTION." People go to
Wal-Mart to walk around and hang out. Wal-Mart is the Italian piazza of
TENNESSEE. That's all they got, Wal-Mart and BOJANGLES CHICKEN. Go to
Tennessee and tell 'em your name is Wal-mart BOJANGLES. You'll be their
GOD. You wanna raise your kids right, but you can only teach 'em what
you know. So Dad taught us how to LIE AND MANIPULATE PEOPLE. Dad could
manipulate GOD. Dad talked to God like a kid talks to a SUBSTITUTE
TEACHER. "Hey, God. You know, Buddha lets us do ANYTHING WE WANT. We
don't have to do any WORK, we can have all the WIVES WE WANT. Can I
have a CAR? AMEN." Every Christmas Dad would get a lump of coal in the
shape of a different HINDU GOD. Dad was BAD. People hassle me to join
their religion. I already have a religion. It's called TIVO. Records 80
hours of television. My sign of the cross is play, pause, forward,
rewind, SLOOOOW. Finally, scientists create something for ME. I don't
need a space shuttle. Make it easier for me to watch TV. Heal MY PAIN
AND SUFFERING. My girlfriend points the Tivo remote at me to skip the
boring parts of our LIVES. She refers to when I talk as the
COMMERCIALS. -- Red Meat -- Used to be a food addict. Weighed 372
pounds. I conquered it, lost 141 pounds. Thanks, I switched to
ALCOHOLISM. Much better addiction. You can drink enough to forget
you're a drunk. Can't eat enough to forget you're FAT. Mexican food'll
tear you up, but gin is gentle enough to use EVERY DAY. You know you're
a food addict when you have manboobs. On your BACK. Or you can't make
up your mind between takin' a pee and finishing your sandwich, so you
eat and pee at the SAME TIME. When you're 372, dignity's just an
18-point word in SCRABBLE. I'll eat anything. I've eaten a dog biscuit.
Dog biscuits have absolutely no flavor. I guess dog biscuits don't have
to taste GOOD. They just have to taste better than DOG TESTICLES. New
from Purina! I Can't Believe It's Not BALLS! Try the TWIN PACK! Men,
don't take women drugs. They'll change you. 3am, splitting headache,
all the convenience store has is Women's Tylenol. I immediately lose
the ability to hear MEN'S VOICES. Headache's GONE. But then start
noticing other people's FEELINGS. That's when I VOMITED. That's really
SCARY. People tell me Southerners are too slow. I tell 'em to come to
Washington, DC. All the rednecks there are NERVOUS AND JUMPY. Not much
goes on there, just terrorism, snipers, and AIDS. Simple country folk.
People in the South are slow for a reason. It's HOT. And we like to
KILL PEOPLE. And we're tryin' real hard not to kill anybody TODAY.
You're WELCOME. I'm worried about my brother. He parties all night in
dance clubs. I told him, watch out or you'll catch somethin'. He's in
the hospital. He's got TERMINAL BOOGIE FEVER. He looks FUNKY. He's got
rhythm runnin' ALL THROUGH HIM, they had to strap him to the bed 'cos
he kept gettin' up, and GETTIN' DOWN. I think it's goin' around. People
don't care. BURN, BABY, BURN. I don't have a lotta friends. Just some
people I hang with at night. In the WOODS. Wearin' GOAT MASKS. I think
they take advantage of me. "Basil, we drew straws, and it's your turn
again to play the VIRGIN." (Position) "WHATEVER." You want friends, ya
gotta make SACRIFICES. Grew up in Memphis, Tennessee. Tough town. If
your city hall has a sign that says "race-riot free for 51 DAYS," if a
lynch mob takes a break for BARBECUE, if the same bottle of scotch
functions as breakfast, a weapon, and a TOPICAL ANTISEPTIC, welcome to
the RIVER CITY. Went to the Civil Rights Museum. You go inside, get on
a bus. The robot bus driver orders you to MOVE TO THE BACK. Probably
not the original ROBOT. I'm thinkin' they fix the BigotBot EVERY DAY.
You see where Martin Luther King died, and where James Earl Ray shot
him. Then they run you through the GIFT SHOP. What BALLS. I need a
memento of THIS. Grandpa got sprayed with the fire hose, and all I got
was this T-SHIRT. White guy told me, "You know, it wadn't James Earl
Ray who shot King." "Oh, really? Who did?" "Well, you see, SAMMY DAVIS
JR. killed Martin Luther King for the MOB." Hey, wait. I've looked out
the assassin's window. I'm no marksman, but I'm sure you need both
eyeballs in your head to hit a target at THAT ANGLE. I think we can
eliminate the CANDYMAN THEORY. We gotta lotta stupid names for things.
Why do we still have the BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS 500 years after we
discovered that this ISN'T INDIA? I think the kept callin' themselves
Indians to KEEP THE JOKE GOIN'. "So, you wish to trade? We will confer
with the other 'INDIANS.'" "Dude, they think they're in INDIA." "Well,
tell 'em-" "No! Play ALONG." (rub dot) "Here, take this tobacco. We're
fresh out of CURRY." Had to disappoint a few Pilgrims at the first
Thanksgiving. (spit) "This vindaloo is TERRIBLE! Who makes vindaloo out
of CORN? Maybe we're in PAKISTAN." Wanna see how dumb we are, look at a
BILLBOARD. I think advertising agencies make retarded people design
billboards as CRAFT THERAPY. I'm ridin' a bus thru the ghetto. It's my
HOBBY. Inside the bus there's an adversisement for F-15 fighter jets.
So, McDonnell Douglas thinks there's an untapped market of ghetto JET
PILOTS. I see people on the bus wearin' a garbage can, bra on their
head, never a FLIGHT SUIT. I'd love to see that. "Does this bus go to
Iraq?" "No, you'll need a transfer." I love the Internet. There's a
site where you put in your name and it makes anagrams out of the
letters, like George Bush becomes "HE BUGS GORE." Two anagrams for
Basil White: "While I STAB," and "What is Bile?" So I entered my full
name, Basil John White IV. I get "Hi! Jaw this EVIL NOB." Thanks, DAD.
Americans'll kill anything as long as it's UGLY. I'm in the drug store,
I see a jar of EMU LOTION. Emu, the big Australian BIRD. How do you
decide that emu would make a good LOTION? Did an Australian one day
just pick up an emu and rub it ALL OVER HIMSELF? (Aussie) "Crikey! This
bird'd make a great MOISTURIZER." Emus are ugly. Shouldn't we make
beauty products outta animals that are PRETTIER THAN US? How 'bout
PANDA LOTION? No, but SCREW THE EMU. Sure, we protect pandas now, but
once we find out pandas cure heart disease, oh, it's ON. It's bedtime
for BING-BING. All these Chinese restaurants are named panda, but they
don't serve panda. Or do they? Chinese people live a long time. I think
they're eatin' all the PANDA. Damn panda-hoarding CHINESE." Don't
believe everything you read. Walkin' my dog, saw a sign: "Dog owners
must collect their dog waste." I've lived there for two years and I've
run outta STORAGE SPACE. I need a bigger apartment or a smaller DOG.
Don't tease the cops. Cop pulls me over, says, "You know why I pulled
you over?" "What, have you FORGOTTEN ALREADY?" (liquor) "What are you,
a comedian?" "No, sir, I deliver hot meals to the ELDERLY, to raise
money to treat my TOURETTE'S SYNDROME. Widow Murphy's string beans are
getting cold, you j-j-JACK-BOOTED FASCIST! See, I need my MEDICINE!"
Woke up in jail. I should SUE. Hey, let's hear it for the wait staff,
helpin' us out tonight. A toast. Up! Up! We're not as young as we used
to be, but more of our enemies are DEAD. Bottoms up. I like fruity
drinks, Hurricanes, Pina Coladas. I think my inner child is an
ALCOHOLIC. The voices in my head argue about what to have for
breakfast. The kid in me wants Froot Loops, but the adult wants a
SCOTCH. Fortunately, we both like MARGARITAS. A lotta food coloring in
fruity drinks, though. Is it bad when your poop is BLUE? It's not
easy...peein' GREEN. I love alcohol (kiss). You know you drink too much
when you look out your bedroom window and see all your childhood
MONSTERS. Starin' at ya, playing ROCK PAPER SCISSORS (rock paper
scissors). I love tequila, 'cos my brain cells sing the Mexican
National Anthem as they DIE. (gurgle anthem; point brain cell out of
ear) I like Bacardi 151 and Diet Coke. Diet, 'cos my body's a TEMPLE. I
drink so much coffee I can see the future. Which is bad, 'cos now I
feel guilty for stuff I haven't done yet. A good woman's like a cup of
coffee: Strong, with a thin layer of GREASE. Real strong, but I'm too
cheap to pay four dollars for espresso, so I crash ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
MEETINGS. All ya need's a good DRINKIN' STORY. "After my wife left me,
I got drunk again and fell down a flight of stairs. Got any CREAMER?"
And everyone's got cigarettes at AA meetings. Guys smokin' through
trachaeotomy tubes, preachin' about MODERATION. "No, I don't drink
anymore (puff). Cuts the buzz off the cigarettes and coffee (puff)." I
bring donuts. That makes it BREAKFAST. Science can teach you a lot.
Like force equals mass times acceleration. That's why I date FAT WOMEN.
Can't have force without MASS. What's so great about fat women?
BREASTS. Sorry, Olive Oyl, I have NEEDS. If you want discounts on
stuff, flirt with store employees. Hell, I'll flirt at the GAY
BOOKSTORE. I'm not PROUD. Nothin' says "happy holidays" like a LESBIAN
CHRISTMAS CARD. "I saved you a candy cane." (pick up) "OOH! That's not
where candy canes GO. If candy canes could talk. This one would say
MMUMMGUMPH. I'm not gay. Unless it's time to punish the GARDENER. "Hey,
Chauncey, ya forgot to MULCH. You get lazier EVERY WEEK. It's like you
WANNA be punished." You can learn a lot from television. I'm watchin'
Sesame Street. Grover tells me what I look like on the outside doesn't
matter. That's when I learned Muppets are lying, two-faced BASTARDS.
Looks aren't the main thing. The main thing I want in a woman is my
PENIS. I dated some beautiful drunks. You know your girlfriend's a
drunk when she refers to your manhood as a CHASER. That's a WARNING
SIGN. When you drive on long trips, we all have cues to let us know
we're too tired to drive. My cue is when the floormat's rolled itself
under the brake pedal trying to KILL US. Driver's Ed films never said a
thing about FLOORMATS. I don't remember watchin' "Blood on the
FLOORBOARD." (loop) "Bobby never checked his floormats before driving.
Little did he know that a floormat can become a rubber burrito of
DEATH." Stay in school. Never thought I'd need algebra, 'til I made
drinkin' money in college tutoring children in MATH.. "So, Bobby, (hic)
Solved that EQUATION YET?" "No. What do I need algebra for?" "Well,
you'll need Algebra to get into college. And when you're in college,
you'll need money to DRINK. What do you wanna be when you grow up,
SOBER? Think of your FUTURE." You want some cheap entertainment, teach
your cats to WRESTLE. Take Cat #1, cover him with catnip, put him next
to Cat #2. Cat #2 rubs himself all over Cat #1, who defends his
personal space by attacking Cat #2's NUTS. Oh like you WOULDN'T. Rub
yourself in cocaine and take a walk through REHAB. You'll be the Jackie
Chan of NUTS. I have severe Attention Deficit Diso- hey, BOOBIES.
Sorry, I get SIDETRACKED. I'm not stupid. My six-pack's not missin' any
cans, I just don't have that plastic ring that holds 'em TOGETHER. ADD
makes it hard to focus on one person. I thought I'd solve that problem
by dating a SCHIZOPHRENIC. Then I got dumped by three women at ONCE.
"Basil, the voices in my head wanna see other PEOPLE." "Aw, even Mindy?
She's a SLUT." ADD'll get you fired from a lotta jobs. The video store
fired me for chargin' people 'cos they didn't rewind a DVD. I made $110
offa one guy ALONE. I had a button on the register that said STUPID.
It's hard to pay attention. It's like there's a movie playin' in my
head. APOCALYPSE NOW. That movie's so scary, if you fall asleep before
the ending, your mind will make up its OWN ENDING. Based on every
nightmare you've EVER HAD. I'm watchin' it, I fall asleep, now I'm on a
boat to CAMBODIA, to take a test I haven't STUDIED FOR, I'm NAKED, and
my teacher is MARLON BRANDO. Now before bed, I watch the beginning of
PORNOS. "Hi, we're having a PARTY." (snore) "OH YEAH." (snore) In an
crisis, the first thing is assess the damage. My honeymoon suite had a
French bathroom. My new bride runs out, "I burned my vagina on the
bidet." "Sweetie, it's gonna be okay. Just tell me you didn't burn your
MOUTH. Gotta assess the DAMAGE." You can always tell when someone's
pretending to pay attention. My girlfriend and I are in bed. She's
doing something that I think should require 100% of her focus, but I
can tell she's distracted, 'cos her eyes are open, and she's watching
TRADING SPACES. Now the pressure's on. I gotta finish my job before the
decorators finish theirs, else my girlfriend'll stop and say, (pop) "Oh
my god! They turned the living room into a gay Asian restaurant!" What
do you say in that situation? "Yeah, that blue wallpaper really matches
my BALLS. Let's paper THIS room. I'll bring the GLUE." If you fly on
airplanes, better bring your own soap. Some airplanes, all they have in
the bathroom is instant-drying hand sanitizer. Disgusting. I can't
abuse myself with HAND SANITIZER. It BURNS. And when you're done, how
ya gonna CLEAN UP? Ah, there's nothing there. Except...More HAND
SANITIZER. That's a race with the DEVIL. What's gonna run out FIRST?
There's only one way to find out. Want people to find you attractive,
associate yourself with what they find attractive. Like Sean Connery.
Or a foreign language. That's why I speak Spanish with a SEAN CONNERY
ACCENT. Women cannot resist the LATIN LOVER James Bond 007. "Hola. Me
llamo Bond. Jaime Bond. Jaime Bond, DOBLE-OH-SIETE. Senora Moneypenny,
donde esta la casa de DOCTOR NO?" Thank you, my token Sean Connery
impression, every comic has one, there's mine. I should just do my
whole act in Spanish as Sean Connery. Si vuela en un aeroplano, traiga
su jabón. Porque el bano solo tiene esterilizar de los manos. Disgusto.
No puedo masturbate con ESTERILIZAR DE LOS MANOS. (sniff) Se QUEMA. Y
despues de masturbate, como supone LIMPIAR? Ah, nada aqui,
excepto...Mas ESTERILIZAR DE LOS MANOS. Es una raza con el DIABLO. Que
fuera primera, usted, o esterilizar de los manos? Solo una forma a
descubrir, ah? Well, I'm done. If you had a good time, tell somebody.
I'm gonna leave ya with the first survival skill I ever learned. My mom
told me, "Son, give a man a fish, tomorrow, he's gonna want ANOTHER
FISH. Teach a man to fish, tomorrow, he's gonna start catchin' YOUR
FISH. But if ya starve him to death, you eliminate TWO PROBLEMS. 'Cos
now ya got BAIT. Ya coulda made a friend, but now he's your CHUM. Your
CHUM! chat netscape software games weather pamela anderson maps
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employment jobs netscape cindy crawford espn supermodels disney star
wars girls movies star trek genealogy screen savers japan soccer mpeg
mtv las vegas nasa travel metallica real estate stock quotes golf cnn
sports hewlett packard irc simpsons nirvana x-files madonna horoscope
football map java midi cars usa today recipes education mexico airlines
html days of our lives australia marijuana nfl india pearl jam
wrestling hong kong history baseball webcrawler dogs bob dole news ibm
anime sailor moon chat room beatles lyrics newspapers smashing pumpkins
winzip clipart women phish world series clinton canada warez nike sony
nba personals bill clinton demi moore software wwf models van halen
screen saver bmw brad pitt korea books france magazine icons germany
free sounds chicago university astrology quicktime florida new york ufo
cartoons newsgroups nascar yahoo dilbert china hawaii clip art
dictionary bikini doom freeware marilyn manson screensaver spanking
screensavers spain new york times photography basketball lottery ford
real audio hockey virus universities usenet novell free stuff yellow
pages fashion u2 seattle consumer reports teri hatcher italy humor "
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