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Comments from fans
_____________________
Reverse the image. See if anyone notices.
_____________________
Follow Rodney's example.
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Warhol would be
proud. And as a character? He's perfect...
and the gags are much funnier with him than
without. He should be on T-shirts... take this
idea to Hot Topic or something.
_____________________
Cute women. You're cute. You look like Joey Lauren Adams. Cute celebrity. I just look like the fat guy who shot himself in the movie FULL METAL JACKET. (pull hair up) "Hey, Joker." He's also in Men in Black, the evil alien BUG. Kidnaps the woman to take to outer space, "It's a long trip. "I'm gonna need a SNACK." Now he's the detective in Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Solves crimes by STARING. Here's my impression of him on Law & Order. (Stare). Thanks, that's IT. Still workin' on THAT one. I should tell you a little about myself. I started out as a SPERM. Good swimmer. Liked EGGS. Got big, things got TIGHT. Nine months old, Mom pushed me outta my first HOME. Since then I've been livin' on the OUTSIDE. Lookin' for similar ACCOMMODATIONS. I find 'em sometimes, but I make a mess, get kicked OUT. I miss the uterus. Nice and warm, food pumped into my bloodstream, (finger bellybutton) I still have the PORT. Now I gotta feed MYSELF? Where's the LOVE? I teach survival skills. Here's a free one: if you're born in Tennessee, it's really important to MOVE. I go visit, "It's Friday night. Let's go out." "Sure! Let's go to WAL-MART. Get some ACTION." People go to Wal-Mart to walk around and hang out. Wal-Mart is the Italian piazza of TENNESSEE. That's all they got, Wal-Mart and BOJANGLES CHICKEN. Go to Tennessee and tell 'em your name is Wal-mart BOJANGLES. You'll be their GOD. You wanna raise your kids right, but you can only teach 'em what you know. So Dad taught us how to LIE AND MANIPULATE PEOPLE. Dad could manipulate GOD. Dad talked to God like a kid talks to a SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. "Hey, God. You know, Buddha lets us do ANYTHING WE WANT. We don't have to do any WORK, we can have all the WIVES WE WANT. Can I have a CAR? AMEN." Every Christmas Dad would get a lump of coal in the shape of a different HINDU GOD. Dad was BAD. People hassle me to join their religion. I already have a religion. It's called TIVO. Records 80 hours of television. My sign of the cross is play, pause, forward, rewind, SLOOOOW. Finally, scientists create something for ME. I don't need a space shuttle. Make it easier for me to watch TV. Heal MY PAIN AND SUFFERING. My girlfriend points the Tivo remote at me to skip the boring parts of our LIVES. She refers to when I talk as the COMMERCIALS. -- Red Meat -- Used to be a food addict. Weighed 372 pounds. I conquered it, lost 141 pounds. Thanks, I switched to ALCOHOLISM. Much better addiction. You can drink enough to forget you're a drunk. Can't eat enough to forget you're FAT. Mexican food'll tear you up, but gin is gentle enough to use EVERY DAY. You know you're a food addict when you have manboobs. On your BACK. Or you can't make up your mind between takin' a pee and finishing your sandwich, so you eat and pee at the SAME TIME. When you're 372, dignity's just an 18-point word in SCRABBLE. I'll eat anything. I've eaten a dog biscuit. Dog biscuits have absolutely no flavor. I guess dog biscuits don't have to taste GOOD. They just have to taste better than DOG TESTICLES. New from Purina! I Can't Believe It's Not BALLS! Try the TWIN PACK! Men, don't take women drugs. They'll change you. 3am, splitting headache, all the convenience store has is Women's Tylenol. I immediately lose the ability to hear MEN'S VOICES. Headache's GONE. But then start noticing other people's FEELINGS. That's when I VOMITED. That's really SCARY. People tell me Southerners are too slow. I tell 'em to come to Washington, DC. All the rednecks there are NERVOUS AND JUMPY. Not much goes on there, just terrorism, snipers, and AIDS. Simple country folk. People in the South are slow for a reason. It's HOT. And we like to KILL PEOPLE. And we're tryin' real hard not to kill anybody TODAY. You're WELCOME. I'm worried about my brother. He parties all night in dance clubs. I told him, watch out or you'll catch somethin'. He's in the hospital. He's got TERMINAL BOOGIE FEVER. He looks FUNKY. He's got rhythm runnin' ALL THROUGH HIM, they had to strap him to the bed 'cos he kept gettin' up, and GETTIN' DOWN. I think it's goin' around. People don't care. BURN, BABY, BURN. I don't have a lotta friends. Just some people I hang with at night. In the WOODS. Wearin' GOAT MASKS. I think they take advantage of me. "Basil, we drew straws, and it's your turn again to play the VIRGIN." (Position) "WHATEVER." You want friends, ya gotta make SACRIFICES. Grew up in Memphis, Tennessee. Tough town. If your city hall has a sign that says "race-riot free for 51 DAYS," if a lynch mob takes a break for BARBECUE, if the same bottle of scotch functions as breakfast, a weapon, and a TOPICAL ANTISEPTIC, welcome to the RIVER CITY. Went to the Civil Rights Museum. You go inside, get on a bus. The robot bus driver orders you to MOVE TO THE BACK. Probably not the original ROBOT. I'm thinkin' they fix the BigotBot EVERY DAY. You see where Martin Luther King died, and where James Earl Ray shot him. Then they run you through the GIFT SHOP. What BALLS. I need a memento of THIS. Grandpa got sprayed with the fire hose, and all I got was this T-SHIRT. White guy told me, "You know, it wadn't James Earl Ray who shot King." "Oh, really? Who did?" "Well, you see, SAMMY DAVIS JR. killed Martin Luther King for the MOB." Hey, wait. I've looked out the assassin's window. I'm no marksman, but I'm sure you need both eyeballs in your head to hit a target at THAT ANGLE. I think we can eliminate the CANDYMAN THEORY. We gotta lotta stupid names for things. Why do we still have the BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS 500 years after we discovered that this ISN'T INDIA? I think the kept callin' themselves Indians to KEEP THE JOKE GOIN'. "So, you wish to trade? We will confer with the other 'INDIANS.'" "Dude, they think they're in INDIA." "Well, tell 'em-" "No! Play ALONG." (rub dot) "Here, take this tobacco. We're fresh out of CURRY." Had to disappoint a few Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving. (spit) "This vindaloo is TERRIBLE! Who makes vindaloo out of CORN? Maybe we're in PAKISTAN." Wanna see how dumb we are, look at a BILLBOARD. I think advertising agencies make retarded people design billboards as CRAFT THERAPY. I'm ridin' a bus thru the ghetto. It's my HOBBY. Inside the bus there's an adversisement for F-15 fighter jets. So, McDonnell Douglas thinks there's an untapped market of ghetto JET PILOTS. I see people on the bus wearin' a garbage can, bra on their head, never a FLIGHT SUIT. I'd love to see that. "Does this bus go to Iraq?" "No, you'll need a transfer." I love the Internet. There's a site where you put in your name and it makes anagrams out of the letters, like George Bush becomes "HE BUGS GORE." Two anagrams for Basil White: "While I STAB," and "What is Bile?" So I entered my full name, Basil John White IV. I get "Hi! Jaw this EVIL NOB." Thanks, DAD. Americans'll kill anything as long as it's UGLY. I'm in the drug store, I see a jar of EMU LOTION. Emu, the big Australian BIRD. How do you decide that emu would make a good LOTION? Did an Australian one day just pick up an emu and rub it ALL OVER HIMSELF? (Aussie) "Crikey! This bird'd make a great MOISTURIZER." Emus are ugly. Shouldn't we make beauty products outta animals that are PRETTIER THAN US? How 'bout PANDA LOTION? No, but SCREW THE EMU. Sure, we protect pandas now, but once we find out pandas cure heart disease, oh, it's ON. It's bedtime for BING-BING. All these Chinese restaurants are named panda, but they don't serve panda. Or do they? Chinese people live a long time. I think they're eatin' all the PANDA. Damn panda-hoarding CHINESE." Don't believe everything you read. Walkin' my dog, saw a sign: "Dog owners must collect their dog waste." I've lived there for two years and I've run outta STORAGE SPACE. I need a bigger apartment or a smaller DOG. Don't tease the cops. Cop pulls me over, says, "You know why I pulled you over?" "What, have you FORGOTTEN ALREADY?" (liquor) "What are you, a comedian?" "No, sir, I deliver hot meals to the ELDERLY, to raise money to treat my TOURETTE'S SYNDROME. Widow Murphy's string beans are getting cold, you j-j-JACK-BOOTED FASCIST! See, I need my MEDICINE!" Woke up in jail. I should SUE. Hey, let's hear it for the wait staff, helpin' us out tonight. A toast. Up! Up! We're not as young as we used to be, but more of our enemies are DEAD. Bottoms up. I like fruity drinks, Hurricanes, Pina Coladas. I think my inner child is an ALCOHOLIC. The voices in my head argue about what to have for breakfast. The kid in me wants Froot Loops, but the adult wants a SCOTCH. Fortunately, we both like MARGARITAS. A lotta food coloring in fruity drinks, though. Is it bad when your poop is BLUE? It's not easy...peein' GREEN. I love alcohol (kiss). You know you drink too much when you look out your bedroom window and see all your childhood MONSTERS. Starin' at ya, playing ROCK PAPER SCISSORS (rock paper scissors). I love tequila, 'cos my brain cells sing the Mexican National Anthem as they DIE. (gurgle anthem; point brain cell out of ear) I like Bacardi 151 and Diet Coke. Diet, 'cos my body's a TEMPLE. I drink so much coffee I can see the future. Which is bad, 'cos now I feel guilty for stuff I haven't done yet. A good woman's like a cup of coffee: Strong, with a thin layer of GREASE. Real strong, but I'm too cheap to pay four dollars for espresso, so I crash ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETINGS. All ya need's a good DRINKIN' STORY. "After my wife left me, I got drunk again and fell down a flight of stairs. Got any CREAMER?" And everyone's got cigarettes at AA meetings. Guys smokin' through trachaeotomy tubes, preachin' about MODERATION. "No, I don't drink anymore (puff). Cuts the buzz off the cigarettes and coffee (puff)." I bring donuts. That makes it BREAKFAST. Science can teach you a lot. Like force equals mass times acceleration. That's why I date FAT WOMEN. Can't have force without MASS. What's so great about fat women? BREASTS. Sorry, Olive Oyl, I have NEEDS. If you want discounts on stuff, flirt with store employees. Hell, I'll flirt at the GAY BOOKSTORE. I'm not PROUD. Nothin' says "happy holidays" like a LESBIAN CHRISTMAS CARD. "I saved you a candy cane." (pick up) "OOH! That's not where candy canes GO. If candy canes could talk. This one would say MMUMMGUMPH. I'm not gay. Unless it's time to punish the GARDENER. "Hey, Chauncey, ya forgot to MULCH. You get lazier EVERY WEEK. It's like you WANNA be punished." You can learn a lot from television. I'm watchin' Sesame Street. Grover tells me what I look like on the outside doesn't matter. That's when I learned Muppets are lying, two-faced BASTARDS. Looks aren't the main thing. The main thing I want in a woman is my PENIS. I dated some beautiful drunks. You know your girlfriend's a drunk when she refers to your manhood as a CHASER. That's a WARNING SIGN. When you drive on long trips, we all have cues to let us know we're too tired to drive. My cue is when the floormat's rolled itself under the brake pedal trying to KILL US. Driver's Ed films never said a thing about FLOORMATS. I don't remember watchin' "Blood on the FLOORBOARD." (loop) "Bobby never checked his floormats before driving. Little did he know that a floormat can become a rubber burrito of DEATH." Stay in school. Never thought I'd need algebra, 'til I made drinkin' money in college tutoring children in MATH.. "So, Bobby, (hic) Solved that EQUATION YET?" "No. What do I need algebra for?" "Well, you'll need Algebra to get into college. And when you're in college, you'll need money to DRINK. What do you wanna be when you grow up, SOBER? Think of your FUTURE." You want some cheap entertainment, teach your cats to WRESTLE. Take Cat #1, cover him with catnip, put him next to Cat #2. Cat #2 rubs himself all over Cat #1, who defends his personal space by attacking Cat #2's NUTS. Oh like you WOULDN'T. Rub yourself in cocaine and take a walk through REHAB. You'll be the Jackie Chan of NUTS. I have severe Attention Deficit Diso- hey, BOOBIES. Sorry, I get SIDETRACKED. I'm not stupid. My six-pack's not missin' any cans, I just don't have that plastic ring that holds 'em TOGETHER. ADD makes it hard to focus on one person. I thought I'd solve that problem by dating a SCHIZOPHRENIC. Then I got dumped by three women at ONCE. "Basil, the voices in my head wanna see other PEOPLE." "Aw, even Mindy? She's a SLUT." ADD'll get you fired from a lotta jobs. The video store fired me for chargin' people 'cos they didn't rewind a DVD. I made $110 offa one guy ALONE. I had a button on the register that said STUPID. It's hard to pay attention. It's like there's a movie playin' in my head. APOCALYPSE NOW. That movie's so scary, if you fall asleep before the ending, your mind will make up its OWN ENDING. Based on every nightmare you've EVER HAD. I'm watchin' it, I fall asleep, now I'm on a boat to CAMBODIA, to take a test I haven't STUDIED FOR, I'm NAKED, and my teacher is MARLON BRANDO. Now before bed, I watch the beginning of PORNOS. "Hi, we're having a PARTY." (snore) "OH YEAH." (snore) In an crisis, the first thing is assess the damage. My honeymoon suite had a French bathroom. My new bride runs out, "I burned my vagina on the bidet." "Sweetie, it's gonna be okay. Just tell me you didn't burn your MOUTH. Gotta assess the DAMAGE." You can always tell when someone's pretending to pay attention. My girlfriend and I are in bed. She's doing something that I think should require 100% of her focus, but I can tell she's distracted, 'cos her eyes are open, and she's watching TRADING SPACES. Now the pressure's on. I gotta finish my job before the decorators finish theirs, else my girlfriend'll stop and say, (pop) "Oh my god! They turned the living room into a gay Asian restaurant!" What do you say in that situation? "Yeah, that blue wallpaper really matches my BALLS. Let's paper THIS room. I'll bring the GLUE." If you fly on airplanes, better bring your own soap. Some airplanes, all they have in the bathroom is instant-drying hand sanitizer. Disgusting. I can't abuse myself with HAND SANITIZER. It BURNS. And when you're done, how ya gonna CLEAN UP? Ah, there's nothing there. Except...More HAND SANITIZER. That's a race with the DEVIL. What's gonna run out FIRST? There's only one way to find out. Want people to find you attractive, associate yourself with what they find attractive. Like Sean Connery. Or a foreign language. That's why I speak Spanish with a SEAN CONNERY ACCENT. Women cannot resist the LATIN LOVER James Bond 007. "Hola. Me llamo Bond. Jaime Bond. Jaime Bond, DOBLE-OH-SIETE. Senora Moneypenny, donde esta la casa de DOCTOR NO?" Thank you, my token Sean Connery impression, every comic has one, there's mine. I should just do my whole act in Spanish as Sean Connery. Si vuela en un aeroplano, traiga su jabón. Porque el bano solo tiene esterilizar de los manos. Disgusto. No puedo masturbate con ESTERILIZAR DE LOS MANOS. (sniff) Se QUEMA. Y despues de masturbate, como supone LIMPIAR? Ah, nada aqui, excepto...Mas ESTERILIZAR DE LOS MANOS. Es una raza con el DIABLO. Que fuera primera, usted, o esterilizar de los manos? Solo una forma a descubrir, ah? Well, I'm done. If you had a good time, tell somebody. I'm gonna leave ya with the first survival skill I ever learned. My mom told me, "Son, give a man a fish, tomorrow, he's gonna want ANOTHER FISH. Teach a man to fish, tomorrow, he's gonna start catchin' YOUR FISH. But if ya starve him to death, you eliminate TWO PROBLEMS. 'Cos now ya got BAIT. Ya coulda made a friend, but now he's your CHUM. Your CHUM! chat netscape software games weather pamela anderson maps halloween music chat rooms microsoft jokes shareware magazines pictures employment jobs netscape cindy crawford espn supermodels disney star wars girls movies star trek genealogy screen savers japan soccer mpeg mtv las vegas nasa travel metallica real estate stock quotes golf cnn sports hewlett packard irc simpsons nirvana x-files madonna horoscope football map java midi cars usa today recipes education mexico airlines html days of our lives australia marijuana nfl india pearl jam wrestling hong kong history baseball webcrawler dogs bob dole news ibm anime sailor moon chat room beatles lyrics newspapers smashing pumpkins winzip clipart women phish world series clinton canada warez nike sony nba personals bill clinton demi moore software wwf models van halen screen saver bmw brad pitt korea books france magazine icons germany free sounds chicago university astrology quicktime florida new york ufo cartoons newsgroups nascar yahoo dilbert china hawaii clip art dictionary bikini doom freeware marilyn manson screensaver spanking screensavers spain new york times photography basketball lottery ford real audio hockey virus universities usenet novell free stuff yellow pages fashion u2 seattle consumer reports teri hatcher italy humor "
